As we edge closer to the presidential election here in the U.S., with LGBTQ+ issues emerging as hot-button discussions, as we learn to embrace diversity within our shared spaces, and as our local Tower Grove Pride approaches here in my city, I find myself reflecting on the power of dialogue in navigating these intense times. In addition to global wars and genocides, ecocide and more, discussions about LGBTQ+ issues and other issues of social inequity touch me deeply and personally as a genderfree pansexual Jewish Pagan parent.
I am not alone. The stakes are high, emotions run deep, and the need for meaningful, connective conversation has never been greater.
After a recent situation that arose around the topic of transness in our local community here in St. Louis, like other folks in the queer community, I had many feelings come up. When there is an incident locally, nationally or globally, often those who are most affected by the issues feel them deeply. The recent local situation touched places in me that were completely unrelated to the incident.
It prompted me to call a family member with whom I have shared a long journey of mutual discovery after coming out to them 7 years ago. In recent months, there had been some interactions regarding my gender and the usage of pronouns that were not sitting well with me.
A younger version of me would have come into the conversation with them ready to be right.
The current me however, who has committed to the art of fostering connective relationships and compassionate dialogue facilitation in my career, drew from my learning to engage in a transformative conversation about honoring my identity. It went well. We both found a place of empathy and commitment to moving forward in a different way, and I was able to breathe easier afterward. At the same time, I recognized how much labor and prep work I needed to put in ahead of time as the more affected party to feel grounded, cared for and heard how I wanted to be heard.
After this conversation, I thought about all of my community members and clients who were currently engaged in these challenging conversations from various positionalities, and how important preparation, empathic communication skills, and refined facilitation skills are in order to avoid unnecessary harm and burnout.
Drawing from my experiences both personally and professionally, I've seen the transformative potential of well-facilitated dialogues—especially those that venture into the complex territories of gender, queerness, and transness within spaces where diverse gender expressions are not usually the norm.
While the approach to facilitating a conversation with a large group or workplace team may be slightly different than a personal conversation with a friend or family member, many of the same principles apply. In thinking about my community members who will be busily engaged with these conversations throughout this year and beyond, here are some considerations.
While the context of the conversations you're having may vary, here are some ways that we can approach these conversations with care, compassion, and a genuine willingness to understand.:
Set the Container
Begin by crafting a safe, respectful space for dialogue. Agree on principles like respecting each person's speech, confidentiality, and the commitment to engage and be attentive to possible harm that may happen.
Acknowledge that while we will all do our best to own our own experiences and be attentive to each other, we cannot always avoid harm. We are messy humans, and more importantly, it is how we respond to harm that matters.
This "container" supports a space where participants feel secure enough to share openly and honestly.
Come Prepared
Take care of yourself by doing some prework and encouraging others to do the same when possible, including getting clear on your own feelings on the topic, especially if you are in a facilitator role.
Get informed and encourage others to do the same. In addition to doing your own research, review past articles and discussions that outline the key points and counterpoints relevant to LGBTQ+ issues—this preparation will clarify your understanding and enhance the dialogue.
Read some underlying issues and point/counterpoints in my recent article in reference to a recent situation that arose around including trans women in women's spaces.
Practice Grounding
Creating a space where emotions are welcome, yet navigated thoughtfully enhances safety and engagement.
As a facilitator, it’s crucial to self-regulate and manage your own emotions through grounding techniques that keep you present and responsive.
Help others become aware of their emotional states and provide tools that allow for self-regulation, such as slowing down the conversation with breaks, movement, breathing, and invitations to reflect on what has been said already.
Listen Deeply
Move beyond just hearing words and be present with the whole person, their body language, feelings and energy of their expression. Strive to fully comprehend the underlying emotions and perspectives being shared.
Deep listening fosters a spiritual connection that can bridge divides and enrich the conversation.
Encourage Curiosity, Not Debate
Frame the dialogue as a journey of discovery rather than a battlefield. Cultivate an environment where questions are encouraged, and the goal is collective enlightenment, not victory in argument. This approach invites more open, exploratory interactions that can lead to deeper understanding.
Acknowledge and Explore Discomfort
Recognize that discomfort is often a part of learning and can lead to significant growth. Encourage participants to lean into their discomfort to uncover new insights, while clearly differentiating between productive discomfort and harmful interactions.
Be Trauma-Aware
Why do people have such big feelings in these conversations? Many people come to difficult trauma histories that have led to the inability to stay curious, leading to escalation of conflict. Honing your awareness of ways that trauma can show up in the room and taking measures to set up the space for psychological safety can be the different between creating more harm and catalyzing healing.
Honor All Experiences, Especially the Most Affected
It's essential to approach each dialogue with an awareness that while all contributions are valuable and everyone's experience matters, the impact of discussions around gender, queerness, and transness is not felt equally by all participants.
Prioritize and provide support for the voices of those who are most directly affected by these issues. Ensure that their experiences are not invalidated, diminished or dismissed but are uplifted and deeply considered. This careful attention helps prevent the marginalization of the very individuals whose lives are most shaped by the topics at hand and reinforces a culture of empathy and respect.
The previous point must be balanced with removing the pressure for the most affected parties to educate and provide emotional labor to those who are still learning. This is a delicate balance that requires a high level of sensitivity to the needs of the most affected.
Use Inclusive Language, Honor Diversity
Language is powerful in shaping our perceptions of the world. Use gender-neutral and inclusive language that acknowledges and respects the diversity of gender identities and types of relationships. This not only sets a model for participants but also affirms the identities of all involved.
If you are new to using inclusive language, or are not even sure what that means, this will be a practice for you to acquire the art of gender-neutral language. Give yourself and others grace, but be bold in correcting yourself and others. You may all be learning together in real time.
Queer and trans people, like other identities, are not a monolith. We experience things sometimes VERY differently, and the range of experiences around gender, sexuality, romance and relationships can vary widely within the community. Some may be very sensitive to the language used and the discussions being had, while others have a different perspective.
Provide Support Resources
Ensure that participants have access to additional support if discussions surface personal challenges or traumas. Offering resources like counseling services or support groups underscores a commitment to comprehensive care.
Model Vulnerability
When you're willing, share your own experiences and challenges openly. Demonstrating vulnerability can inspire participants to engage more fully and authentically, enriching the dialogue and the connections formed.
Works to Understand Power Dynamics
Be mindful of how power dynamics play out within the dialogue. Strive to balance power equitably and ensure that all voices, especially those from marginalized communities, are heard and valued.
Address Harm
Though this can be among the most anxiety provoking aspects for many facilitators, it is essential to address harm when it comes up, be it expressed openly by those affected, or expressed subtly through withdrawal or body language.
Note that rushing to an apology is not always conducive to real repair. Sometimes an exploration of the harm, why it happened and how it impacted the affect is in order before an apology can have genuine meaning.
Refine your skills in sensing when harm has happened and practice strategies to explore the disconnect in the moment to through follow up conversations.
Give Yourself Grace
As facilitators, it's tempting to want to get it all right and control the outcome. The truth is that you can't. Tough talks are just that... tough. They often bring up more feelings as people explore painful realities, and things may be left unfinished. You are not solely responsible for the outcomes.
Take care in the setting of the container to give everyone their right sized responsibility in following group agreements and caring for their needs. Yes, you are the facilitator, but you are also another human in the room.
Follow Up
Keep the conversation going beyond the initial dialogue. Offer additional resources, organize follow-up discussions, or suggest reflective practices that can consolidate learning and foster ongoing engagement.
As a fellow trans educator recently reminded me, accountability to the most affected parties is also essential for real equity and change to come as a result of these conversations.
While these are basic guidelines for effective facilitation, they are not a comprehensive guide or substitute for training. As we continue to confront and converse about these critical issues, remember that effective facilitation is key. It can be overwhelming at first to be attentive to all of these details and considerations, especially when tensions get high and you become dysregulated as a facilitator. It is highly recommended to work with a cofacilitator, and when it comes to diversity issues, it's best to work with co-facilitators who have a different experience than you.
To read more about my approach to conversations like this in the workplace, read my recent article on "Cultivating Connective Community Cultures through Transformative Communication."
If you're looking to enhance your skills as a facilitator or are interested in deepening your understanding of gender and sexuality discussions, consider reaching out for training or coaching.
Stay updated on my upcoming facilitation offerings and gender-oriented workshops by signing up for my newsletter.
If you want to dive deeper, ask questions to get to know more about my work, schedule a connection call with me.
Together, we can prepare to lead conversations that not only address but enrich our understanding of LGBTQ+ experience and how to engage in co-liberation.
Further Reading on Gender Issues and Facilitation
"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg
"The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters" by Priya Parker
"The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion" by Jonathan Haidt
"Emergent Strategy: Shaping Change, Changing Worlds" by adrienne maree brown
"We Will Not Cancel Us: And Other Dreams of Transformative Justice" by adrienne maree brown
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